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Out with the old...in with the new   
12:11am 27/07/2004
mood: drunk
I'ma abandon this journal.....for a new one. My new online name will be HaloMachine...... those who still want to keep tabs on me random bouts of chaotic ramblings should befriend my new journal... halomachine
12:02am 28/06/2004
  Life....now thats a sorry subject....in particular...mine. No meaning...no point. It just keeps going on and on...with no reason...no excuse to exist....just endless nothingness...I would say I'm just going to give up....but i've already given up. It gets very tiring putting up the facade of being happy..when deep inside i'm just miserable...very taxing..but I guess its necessary...to make those around me comfortable......I'm stuck in this meangless, boreing, lonely, excuse for a life....and there's no way out.....i don't see the point of it all....and I never will... yeah...gloom points for me....chez goth.  
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03:04am 29/05/2004
  ok I think i might have drank a little too much......is it bad that I drank all by myself....even if its only rarely..? I dunno...sometimes you need to fade reality out I guess...but then I ramble on and on and on....like I feel like I am starting to do now....anywayz...

I don't understand myself sometimes....why do I only seem to fall for girls I can't ever see myself having a chance with....for instance the current "crush" (i suppose that is the appropriate word) is intelligent, is a wonderful person, is fun to be around, and is gorgeous to boot....but I don't see how it could ever happen...yeah she is practically everything I've ever wanted in a girl...she even makes me smile....which is something I don't really do often...it takes a special person to make me smile....even if I were to be able to see what my friends find so great about me (which I must just be blond to...) I still wouldn't have a clue as to how to preceed....you give a musical instrument, work, or computers and I'm an accomplished man...but but me up against "courtship" or relationships and i become a ignorant scared little boy....the perfect ending would be a magical princess comes to rescue this scared little boy from himself...but then life isn't a fairytale...in real life the boy is alone....and lost in a big cruel mean world that just wants to chew him up and spit him out...

end drunken ranting......time to dream the fairy tale dreams of what I wish would be....
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01:49am 20/03/2004
  I so do not understand women whatsoever....I just don't understand why women want guys who care nothing about them at all....why do females see in guys who are openly womanizers...this evening was interesting...went out drinking with some peeps from work....and one of the group was a girl that I've actually taken a genuine interest in...and its hard for me to actually find someone I'm interested in (not just attracted to physically..)....one of the others of the group is a guy that I've kinda became friends with...he's a nice guy...but he is one of the biggest womanizers I have ever met....she wants him.....he's not interested....so she ends up drinking way too much all night...she's completely messed up...and sick from the alcohol...he's just sitting there smiling and making jokes, not really caring at all...while she is in a horrible condition.....meanwhile I'm standing outside freezing my ass off supporting her so she doesn't stumble and fall over while holding her hair back while she pukes....who gets a hug goodbye at the end of the night....the guy sittin in the bar making jokes and checking out older women......not that I expected anything at all....i would stand outside freezing my ass off and holding her hair back anytime regardless..its just the way I am..when I care...i don't stop caring if the other person doesn't seem to care.......I just don't understand why nice guys always finish last....we always do...maybe that just the way its supposed to be :(  
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05:30am 15/03/2004
  damn....I woke up....and freakin early too.....now I have to sit here and be bored til I go to work...this sux.....

I'm bored....sooooo....from my friend psychicchaos' journal...

Everything with an "x" means I haven't done it. Everyone should do this (if you're bored).

( ) been drunk
( ) smoked pot
( ) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed a friend's car
(x) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) had anal sex
( ) been in love
(x) had sex
(x) had sex in public
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
(x) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) had a threesome
( ) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) been tied up (sexually)
(x) been caught masturbating
( ) pissed on myself
(x) had sex with a member of the same sex
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
(x) stole something from my job
(x) celebrated new years in time square
(x) gone on a blind date
( ) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
(x) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) been to Europe
( ) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) cut myself on purpose
(x) had sex at the office
(x) been married
(x) gotten divorced
(x) had children
( ) seen someone die
(x) been to Africa
( ) tasted my own sexual fluids.
(x) fucked one of my Live journal friends
(x) Slapped someone I loved
( ) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
( ) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
( ) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
09:54pm 14/03/2004
  Its starting to feel like my life is about ready to crash and burn....like its a car on the highway going 120 miles an hour and the wheels are about ready to fly off in every direction cause it to loose control and tumble over a cliff...

the band is starting to become dangerously close to the path my last band was on....which led to me pretty much abandoning music entirely....I'm starting to get tired and burnt out on it really quick....while I like being in the band...I don't exactly like playing drums...

I swear....some otherworldy entity has targeted me for its wrath.....i'm not allowed to be happy...ever....not allowed to have anyone special in my life...not aloud to be happy wit my band....not allowed to be happy about anything.....I'm tired of being me...its unfullfilling and hollow feeling to be me....i'm tired of being me...i'm starting to get tired of waking up in the morning too....unless some form of happiness finds it way in...i see my life crashing down around me...ima go to sleep...if i'm lucky i won't wake up
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03:21am 28/02/2004
  I think I'm starting to really hate the thought of being in a band....for some reason I keep getting frustrated just by thinking about it...

Our first show last weekend wnet extremely well...we had a huge response from a death metal crowd...and we are most definatly not death metal....it was a great show...but was I happy afterwards? ... a resounding no....I felt nothing...absolutely nothing...am I not allowed to feel happy....we walk off stage...everyone else in the band goes off to be with someone...me...all I have to look forward to is tearing down my drumset and sitting there....its amazing how I can feel so damn lonely amongst a crowd of my friends....it sux that I can't even see any chance of change in the future...playing shows used to make me happy...but it doesn't seem like thats even enough anymore :(
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09:22pm 23/02/2004
  For those who are interested in the Industrial Metal strain of music infection my band, System Slave, has some mp3 downloads up at our site. www.systemslave.net  
07:37pm 23/02/2004
12:08am 12/02/2004
  You only feel when you bleed....

Pain is food....

A food that is essential to one's growth....
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03:54am 09/02/2004
mood: tired
This weekend has been somewhat interesting...but it seems like the week just disappeared...like it never happened or something...anywayz...I chilled at weazlboys and prncssmab's firday night..watched some Law & Order and then Underworld..it was fun..kinda missed hangin out...I hung out with rob and kristy for the first(kinda sorta the first time) night tonight (singer and his significant other)...it was actually pretty fun..rob is a completely different person when he's drink (not a bad one...just retarded in a funny way)...saturday was a different story..it was the typical day in the life of digitaldark..sat there staring at the computer monitor and/or wall...feeling like/being a looser...I'm such a boring person... :( and even though I had fun on friday and sunday nights...I still felt the familiar old feelings...still lonely...I always feel like I'm just the 3rd or 5th wheel...I'm always the odd man out....cause all of my friends are invovlved/married...and I'm..well...not....and there's nothing I can do about cause its been so ingrained in my mind and subconscious that I'm not worth it or I'm not good enough from...caused by myself and others..and no amount of people saying.."thats not true" or "you're not a loser" etc etc will change it cause its still always implanted there..its like an uncurable cancer that just keeps eating away any hope of me being able to change my situation...

The tiredness consumes....I must obey the call of the all mighty bed...I must give myself over to great beyond known as sleep....its better than being awake...besides I'm happy when I sleep...or at least I think I am..I don't really know..as I've never been able to remember my dreams...but then again it is a good way to pass a few hours without having to deal with being me...
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05:27pm 02/02/2004

K...update about the band for all those interested.
website is now online... check it out at http://www.systemslave.net
the info on our first show is below...our demo is nearing completion as well...just need to finsh up the vocals and then mixing and mastering. We'll have tracks up on our site shortly after we finish mixing...and of course I can have some cd's for those of you who are interested...

Show NFO
Assigned Date: 02/21/04
System Initialization: 08:00 AM
Assigned Location: Jags (Dayton, Ohio)
Cost of Injection: $5 (21+), $7 (18-20)
Assimilation Notes: Purchase tickets at show.
Primary Sonic System: DyingGear
Auxilary Sonic Systems: Darkness Undying, I Die Trying
Additonal System Parameters: System Slave's Premiere.

1227 Wilmington Pike
Dayton, OH 45420
click HERE for map quest directions.

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11:15pm 30/01/2004
  I finished laying down drum tracks for the band's demo yesterday.....and made myself a new Livejournal icon as well...

I'm also considering a "internet persona" change soon....new LJ, new AIM screename...etc etc...
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04:09pm 27/01/2004
  We have booked our first show...I'm very eager to start playing out again..I miss it so much...its kinda funny though..me, being the extreme antisocial creature that I am, yearning to be in front of lots of people..but playing music is what I live for so..I guess it makes sense...anywayz. The show will be an underground metal show...its on the 21st of February..and its at Jags in Dayton,OH...if any of you are interested in coming out tto see us...I'll get some more info for ya...  
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04:16pm 23/01/2004
  Shouldn't have drank all the bacardi....I can't see straight right now...  
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Judith - A Perfect Circle (Underworld Soundtrack remix)   
12:26am 12/01/2004
  hmmm...well..I was planning on actually typing a entry...but my mind just went blank...hmm..oh well. I must be tired...or a loser...or a tired looser..yep definatly tired...long hard band practice today..we are sounding damn good. for those who care.. the band website is www.systemslave.net. We're still working on getting the site together...but I did finish our message boards for those intereseted...

I go sleep now...
09:17am 05/01/2004
  Great thing happeneds this weekend.... our bassist met and had a long discussion with Slick Idiot's tour manager! (For those who know not who Slick Idiot is...it is the new band of En Esch and Guenter Schulz of KMFDM fame!) The topic of their discussion...our band!! She was very interested in us... that bodes very well for our future...and may just be the break we need. Opening for a band like Slick Idiot would get us all the exposure we'll need!  
Its been a bad bad year   
02:13am 02/01/2004
  This past year has been horrible overall...there's been a few good things...but not enough...there never is enough good in my life to justify thhe bad...I guess thats the way it goes...

the only good thing in my life is my band....and the many reason that that is the only good thing?? Well its my own damn fault...i'm such a screwup looser bastard... My damaged self can't even pick up the phone to call someone....someone special...I can't seem to let anything good happen to me...and I really don't understand why I hate myself so much..and why I think so little of myself....

So I guess my new years revolution is to try to like myself....try to let good things happen to me....try to be happy, even though I've already screwed up things with some people..far beyond repair...I still need to find something to be happy about.....or else whats the point of waking up in the morning..
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System Slave is finally full....   
07:07am 16/12/2003
mood: bored
We finally found a singer...and he's a good one at that! He's perfect for us...he has the right sound..and he's definatly down for what we're doing!! It feels kinda good to be in a complete band where everyone in the band is actually REALLY GOOD and TALENTED within their instrument/position!!! I have a really good feeling about this lineup...we're going to go all the way! No doubt in my mind whatsoever...

With the recent good news...we've started working on our website (which is still underway) and I took some of the elements I created for our website and made a wonderful new desktop wallpaper!! I've posted it on my deviant art acount..link is below...

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05:04pm 12/12/2003
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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